Arthritis at the Movies

We all know that arthritis can get at almost anyone. So how come I don’t see our movie heroes suffering? I mean, all that fighting and scrapping, rolling round in the damp grass, must take its toll on them, but you never see it, do you?

Just before we find out, as well as reading it, you can watch this next bit complete with rubbish impersonations. Trust me, you will want to see this. My impressions of movie stars are so bad, they’re almost good.

So how would our movie heroes deal with arthritis?

Bond, of course, would handle it with his usual panache. Manacled to the table, the laser beam making its way up between his legs, can’t you just see him throwing out one of his famous quips? “Oh while you have that laser switched on, Goldfinger, any chance you could work on my knee ligaments?”

Dirty Harry might have to clean up his act. He’d deliver that famous Eastwood scowl, aim his Magnum forty-four and warn Andy Robinson not to go for his gun. “I know what you’re thinking, punk? Has he had two hip replacements or only one?”

Having your own mob is no guarantee. But Don Corleone could demonstrate his more sympathetic side. “I’m a reasonable man. I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to ease your ankylosing spondulytis.”

Would magic be any proof against arthritis? I don’t think so. It’s Potter vs Voldemort, and voldie is winning, so what does Potter do? Well if he’s any sense, he legs it, with Voldemort’s words ringing in his ear. “Go on, Potter. Run away like the coward that you are. You know damn well my spells don’t work until I’ve had physio on my tennis elbow.”

This disease is so intractable there’s no guarantee of ever finding a cure. Not even in a galaxy, far, far away where a trembling officer confesses that the rebels have escaped, and faces the wrath of Darth Vader. “Fortunately for you, commander, my carpal tunnel syndrome is playing up so I can’t throttle you. Don’t let it happen again.”

We don’t even know that bio-mechanics will be any solution. According to Kyle Rees in the Terminator, the cyborgs are part robot, part human. So will this make them susceptible to arthritis? In the remake of Terminator two when Arnie is protecting Connor from the T-1,000, will we hear him say, “Run, John. I’ll hold him up… just as soon as I’ve rubbed glucosamine and chondroitin into my joints.”

Come on, movieland. Let’s have bit of reality in these epics.


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