No, missus, this is not a phallic symbol, nor an artistic interpretation of the Northampton Lighthouse (which was actually a lift-testing tower). It’s a vaper.

I’m now in the worst throes of chest problems that I’ve suffered for a good few years. This is the third infection I’ve had in the last three weeks, and it’s proving an absolute bastard to get rid of. I’ve already had three courses of antibiotics, and I’m now swallowing six spoonfuls of liquid shit every day in an effort to loosen the crap clogging up my pipes.

A little under three years ago, I ran into the same problem and ended up at North Manchester General. As a result of that, I stopped smoking.

In the weeks that followed, I felt so much better, and the surprising thing was I had no withdrawal symptoms. It was cold turkey, sure, but I was so unwell than I didn’t notice any of the usual side effects.

I went three months without a cigarette, and it never troubled me, other than one time, and what happened? I bought a packet of fags and before you knew it, I was back on 40 a day.

I’m in the same position now as I was that January night in North Manchester, with the possible exception that I’m at home rather than hanging around A & E, and I’ve just taken the decision again.

As of now, I am a non-smoker. I quit. I’ve had enough of the weed dictating my life. I will never touch another cigarette for the rest of my life.

Course, I’ve said this before, and it’s all come to nothing, but this time I have a secret weapon and it’s the vaper.

From now on, the only smoke in this house will be electronically generated… Except when the trouble and strife is cooking chips, and forgets about them while she’s watching Strictly.

Peril in Palmanova, Sanford 3rd Age Club Mystery #15, published by Crooked Cat Books, exclusive to Amazon at:

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The Squire’s Lodge Murders, Sanford 3rd Age Club Mystery #16 published by Crooked Cat Books, on December 13th 2017, is available for pre-order at:

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